Dear Media,

I’m writing to inform you that I take offense to your ever-present bombardment of messages aimed at ladies like me on a daily basis. It seems as if your intentions are to make me feel as if there is something inherently wrong with me. I thought that you might like to reconsider some of the misconceptions you currently hold about me most ladies I know…

For example, my belly has fat on it because it is a BELLY, and that is where the food goes and where the babies live. It is supposed to be warm and soft. I’d like to keep it that way.

I have feet to keep me upright and to walk on. No amount of squishy gel or padding is going to convince me that high heels are an intelligent vessel in which to house my feet.

Telling me to bake cake with diet soda instead of eggs, drink protein shakes for lunch, eat “cheesecake flavored” yogurt, and only drink 4oz of wine a month is insane. French women eat real food and drink all the time and they look fabulous. Probably because you aren’t there telling them they are fat and ugly all the time.

The lines on my face tell the story of my life. Every smile and laugh has left its imprint around my eyes and mouth. I can only hope that these lines get deeper with every future laugh and smile. Botox cannot have my lines.

If his balls can sag, so can my breasts.

Stop writing articles about how celebrity moms “get their bodies back.” If I had millions of dollars, 5 nannies, 10 personal trainers, a stylist, a publicist, and a hair and makeup team, I’d look fabulous, too.

I love carbs, please don’t make me give them up.

Stop telling me about his “turn offs” and “secret fantasies.” I also don’t like taking quizzes to determine if I’m “too needy.” Why not tell me that I am a strong, powerful, intelligent, and beautiful woman fully deserving of love?

And finally, please stay away from my future daughters.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sweatpants