Refreshing?

I went on what I will call my first 100% “grown-up” date.  Or maybe I should say I went on my first date with a 100% grown-up?  Either way, now that I know what I can have, I’m not going back. 

I went on a date with a 35 year old man.  It was much different than going on a date with a 25 year old or even a 30 year old man.  He came to my neighborhood, he picked me up at my apartment, and he took me to a nice restaurant.  He also paid- no questions asked.  In fact, he took care of the bill while I was in the bathroom, so I didn’t have to deal with it at all.  Then, he walked me home, asked to see me again, and *didn’t* try to molest me on my doorstep.

While we were at dinner, he made clear the things that are important to him in a relationship and the person he’s with.  He brought it up.  I didn’t ask.  He just offered the information.  At first, I was a little alarmed.  I was thinking “Ok, Buddy, this is the first date.  Let’s see if we can maintain a conversation while we aren’t at a loud dance party first.”

But then I realized something.  This is how grown-up men that want to be in a relationship behave.  They make their intentions clear from the beginning.  No point in wasting either of our time.

So, there it is.  I finally went on a date with a real, live, mature adult male.  They do exist after all.  I am happy that I confirmed this.  I was getting a little worried.


Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

This lady got herself a job!

An interesting job with room to grow within the company!  Hurray!!!

The job market for PhD’s transitioning out of academia is tough in general but particularly cut throat in the Pacific Northwest.  Until today, I experienced 1 of 3 scenarios in my job search:

1. I’m exceedingly overqualified for the job I’m applying for.  People either won’t even consider me, for a variety of reasons.  A) They’re afraid I’ll leave as soon as a better job comes along, thus wasting the time they spend training me.  B) They think there’s something wrong with me, because I left academia. C) They don’t want someone with more education/experience than they have working under them. D) They don’t want someone with a “fancy” degree coming in and trying to change things.  Not that I’d do that, but people’s minds can be hard to change.

2. I’m a little under qualified.  I lack 1 or 2 of the “Required Skills” but am otherwise a good candidate.  These people won’t look at me either, although they at least don’t think there’s anything wrong with me.  I’m reaching for the stars.  They just don’t want to be my comet.  Not when there are plenty of more experienced people that are also looking for jobs.

3. I’m perfectly qualified.  I meet every criterion on their list, but someone with 10 years of experience applied for the same job, so they beat me out.  These are the most heart breaking, because there’s nothing I can do about it.  The interviewers like me, and I make the short list, but I lose out to people with tons of experience that are also in need of a job. 

In the last 36 hours, I met 3 fantastic women that changed all that.  First, the woman at Office Team that recommended me for this job.  Then, the HR woman at the company I was hired at who thought I was good enough to pass on to her boss.  Finally, the boss lady at a small company in PDX who supports professional development and is excited to have me on board!  Can’t wait until Monday morning!!!

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Message received. Loud and Clear.

I think I’ve finally, FINALLY learned the lesson that the universe has been trying to teach me: DON’T DATE CONFUSED MEN IN THEIR TWENTIES.  I also reconfirmed an old lesson that I sometimes doubt: TRUST YOUR GUT. 

If a confused twenty-something male doesn’t know what he wants out of life, then he definitely won’t know what he wants out of you.  If you happen to be an unconfused woman that has a handle on life, you will terrify these men.  I’ve been through it several times now, and I get it.  They’re instinctively drawn to you, but they don’t know what to do with you.  When or if they ever figure it out, it will most likely be too late, because you will be so sick of their bullshit and antics that you can barely stand to look at them.

If a confused twenty-something male treats you well, seeks out your company, and generally seems to enjoy your presence in his life, but then suddenly does a 180 and wants to end your relationship, there’s probably something going on that you don’t know about.  A little voice in the back of your head will indicate this to you.  You’ll brush it off and overthink the situation for a day or two, but that little voice won’t go away.  Listen to that little voice.  Thus far, my little voice has never been wrong.  Not once. 

For someone that generally learns quickly, these lessons have taken a while to sink in, but I think I finally understand: demand everything, settle for nothing, and listen to that little voice when it says “This isn’t going to end well.  Don’t even bother.”


Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Where Have all the Good Men Gone?

Most of my single girlfriends are reaching a point in their lives where they want to find "the one". With the dreaded 3-0 on the horizon, my girlfriends are ready for the men their age to hurry up and grow up. Well, ladies, according to the Wall Street Journal, it's all your fault:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704409004576146321725889448.html

According to Kay Hemowitz, author of "Manning Up: How the Rise of Women Has Turned Men Into Boys", our gender's battle to be considered equal has reached such heights that it is starting to backfire on us. We are educated, driven, intelligent and self sufficient. We are putting off marriage and kids to further our careers, and are even starting to make more money than our male counterparts. Good for us, right? The only problem is, we've just given men an extra decade of boyhood. No longer do they feel pressure to secure careers directly after college in order to provide for a wife and family, because we're doing that, and we don't want to become wives and mothers until we're in our 30's anyway. So what do they do from 20-30? Travel, casually date younger women, drink, play video games, and work under 30 hours a week at dead end jobs. What are we doing during that time? Working as hard as we can to achieve all our hopes and dreams so that we won't resent our husbands and children when we decide we want them, all before we're too old have them. Then, when we're ready for the men, we turn around and expect them to be right where we are, but they're still on the couch!

Posted by Mrs Sweatpants

Female Led Relationships

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If it seems too good to be true…

I’ve been meaning to write a post about The Sex High, that euphoric state of mind where you don’t need food or sleep or internet.  You subsist on sex alone, and somehow don’t collapse from exhaustion even though your combined sleep for 3 nights running is less than 8 hours, and the only thing you’ve eaten all weekend is toast and Luna bars.  As exhausting as it is, I do relish a good Sex High, especially when it’s with someone that I really like.

I don’t usually let myself admit that I really like someone, at least not in the beginning.  I tend to have a pretty thick emotional shell.  A man has to work pretty hard to get in.  I’m a bit of a control freak when it comes to my emotions, and I really dislike it when they are affected by someone else.  Thus, I make a point of keeping men at arms length, even when I really like them, until I am certain that they pretty much can’t live without me. 

A few weeks ago, I decided to throw caution to the wind.  I met a man who I had a lot in common with.  Not your typical things like pizza and booze, but unusual things like reading and science and thinking.  I had no idea where things were headed, but I decided just to enjoy it for once.  Don’t over think it, don’t worry, just do what feels good.  Spend time with him, open up, let it all hang out.  Now I’m questioning this decision.

This man that I’ve gotten myself involved with has decided that he is most likely leaving Portland this summer.  He told me, which is respectable, but I still feel like I’ve been slapped in the face.  Given that I am an emotional control freak, I would not have gotten so entangled with another person, if I knew they were leaving permanently in a few short months.  But now it’s too late.  I already know that I like him.  I’ve admitted this to myself, my friends, my mom, and even him.  For me, there’s no going back at this point. 

The way I see it, I have two options: 1) Cut my losses and get the fuck out, OR 2) Keep on going and see what happens.  Either way, I’m going to be sad.  I suppose it’s a matter of how sad I want to be.  If I were to follow a practical course of action, I’d run screaming in the other direction.  Twenty-six, doesn’t know what he wants, clearly afraid of commitment.  Why would I do this to myself?  On the other hand, respectful, honest, and hands down the best conversation I’ve ever had with a man.  Why would I NOT see where this goes?

Overall, I think I’m just disappointed that this situation suddenly has an expiration date.  I’m forced to think about the end, when I was just getting excited about the beginning.  I don’t usually find myself in traditional situations, but I was kinda hoping that this one could be semi-normal.  Meet someone, date them, see where it goes… endless possibilities.  Alas, it appears that semi-normal isn’t going to happen.  Onward with the adventure, I suppose…    

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

How do you know?

I’ve always wondered how women come to the conclusion that they want to sleep with someone.  I’d like to think there’s a specific process I follow in my own life, but there really isn’t.  I know pretty quickly whether or not I want to sleep with someone and even more quickly when I don’t.  However, I don’t really know why.  It’s just something I *know* in my head.

I guess there are lots of things that make me know I don’t want to sleep with someone, but it’s the things that make me say “yes!” that I have a harder time packaging into something that makes sense.  For me, it definitely has more to do with something the person says or does than how they look.  Although I don’t suppose I can completely discount looks, because I can’t deny that looks have a lot to do with initial attraction.  I don’t think I’d start chatting with someone I found utterly repulsive, but I also know that looks are not usually the cincher for my decision.

If I had to summarize all the qualities that have led to my decisions regarding sex, I’d have to say that the person did or said something that made them very intriguing to me and that indicated they weren’t an asshole. 

Examples of Intriguing Things:

1. Personal writing projects.

2. Drawing me nude.

3. Conducting personal science projects.

4. Unusual intelligence.

5. Not being what I expected.

6. Experienced traveler.

7. Messy hair and gorgeous eyes.

8. Having an open mind when it comes to relationships.

9. Sexual energy/intensity that matches mine.

10. Initiating a conversation about books or science.

11. Interesting or oddly-shaped ears.

Indicative of not being an asshole:

1. Having pictures drawn by your nieces and nephews tacked up on your wall.

2. Having a real conversation with me that does not involve sexual innuendo.

3. Not blatantly staring at any part of my body.

4. Being nice to other people with no cajoling required.

5. Being genuinely concerned for someone else’s feelings.

Thus, it appears that some combination of these things triggers the “attraction reaction” in my brain, which has led to the diverse assortment of men that I’ve shared a bed (or tent) with.    


Post by Dr. Sweatpants

What Women Want

I am a fairly adventurous person.  I generally have the attitude of “let’s-try-this-out-and-see-what-happens”.  That’s a good attitude for dancing and camping and trying new foods.  However, I think I’m at a point in my life where that may not be the best attitude for relationships.  I find myself trying to impose rules or standards on my love life.  Even though I tend to break the rules quite a bit, I’ve decided to lay them out here in hopes of clarifying my own thoughts and maybe getting some feedback from other ladies of the world. 

Unbreakable

1. Respectful of me, my friends, and my family.

2. A little romantic.  Not over-the-top-make-me-puke-in-my-mouth romantic but hand-pick-flowers-and-cook-a-nice-dinner-once-in-a-while romantic. 

3. Does not consider selling drugs a suitable long-term career option.  I’m very liberal.  I think there are many drugs that should not be illegal.  However, in our current society, they are, and you can go to jail for selling them.  I REFUSE to be tied to a guy in jail.  That is trashier than I can even stand to think about.

4. Accepts the fact that I am a science nerd at heart.  There are going to be times when I geek out about puzzles, books, science, and neuroimaging.  I don’t want to be judged for this.

Bendable

1.  Thirty Plus.  I very recently instituted this rule for my love life, but I’m in the process of breaking it as I type this.  I was impressed by a younger man.  What else can I say? ;)

2. Gainfully employed.  I’d prefer someone with a full-time job, but I do realize that some people my age are still in school.  I, myself, was still a student a few months ago, and now I’m only working part-time as a freelancer.

3. Post-graduate degree.  I got really excited about a guy that had a law degree.  However, as a friend of mine so aptly put it, a law degree is not the same as having a job.  Unemployed is unemployed, no matter what kind of degree you have.  I understand that the economy is bad.  I’m suffering from that at the moment as well, but I am still finding ways to bring in some money.  Thus, motivation and *a* job is better than fancy degrees and *no* job/motivation/ambition.

4. Likes to read.  I’m a big reader.  I have fantasies of lying next to a fire with a handsome man, and we’re both wearing snuggies and reading books.  As such, I tend to get really excited about guys that like to read.  Unfortunately, this causes me to break all kinds of rules.

5. Holding off on sex.  I’m trying really hard to adhere to this one.  Having sex early on has bitten me in the ass in the past.  I hate the double standard, but I’m tired of dealing with immature guys that make assumptions and lock themselves into certain opinions of me.  Thus, I’ve established the don’t-be-a-slut rule.  I’ll keep you posted on how this one works out.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Comments and suggestions welcome!

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Fresh Meat: A Pocket Guide for Young Single Ladies Entering the Workforce

So you’re under 25, just landed a server job, and there are so many cute guys in the kitchen. Working in the food industry has led me to discover that there is a sexual undercurrent that drives social interactions, workplace politics, as well as staff turnover. Usually, a whole new staff will emerge after the old one has had all the fun with each other that they can. The first to go unfortunately is usually the girl whose heart gets broken. She is crushed and embarrassed because she has come to find out that the guy she thought she liked has slept with the girl everyone likes and worse yet, EVERYONE knows. She quickly finds a new job, and leaves quietly. She is then replaced by a new wide eyed girl, and the cycle continues. While I’m sure this sort of thing exists outside of the restaurant industry, I feel that it is concentrated in kitchens since the job descriptions attract very young, adrenaline driven individuals who have no intention of staying in that job for any substantial amount of time. Having observed the same scenario play out over and over, I have decided it’s time for me to speak up. I’m tired of watching young girls be used and abused, and I’m not even going to blame the men. I’m speaking to the ladies, both the heartbreakers and the broken hearted. This is not high school, or even college. This is the real world, and it’s a bit rough around the edges. You are in charge of your sexual and emotional well being. I’ve laid out a few guidelines, entitled “Fresh Meat: A Pocket Guide for Young Single Ladies Entering the Workforce”. Feel free to print out a copy to keep in your pocket at work.

Rule #1: Don’t sleep with your co-workers. If you have successfully followed Rule #1, congratulate yourself, and pass this rule onto your friends. If you have, or are considering violating Rule #1, proceed to Rule #2.

Rule #2: Use a condom. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but it seems I do. It’s 2011, and we know what’s out there, and we know how not to get it. Chances are, you are last in a long line of other co-workers, and who knows who else. If he’s a cook, while charming, he doesn’t have health insurance, he’s probably been exposed to needles (tattoo or otherwise), he abuses alcohol, and perhaps other substances, and is not highly selective of his sexual partners. You don’t want his baby or his gonorrhea.

Rule #3: Regardless if you followed rule #2 or not, get yourself tested, regularly. Test yourself every six months, and especially with every new partner. There are clinics, they are free. Do it.

Rule #4: When considering the “let’s keep this open” option, review Rules 1-3. Then ask yourself why the an open relationship on the table. Is it because you secretly know he’s not “the one”, and you want to keep yourself available for Mr. Right? If so, ditch Mr. Open. Is it because you’re afraid he’ll drop you like a hot sauté pan if you bring up the dreaded exclusive conversation? If so, ditch Mr. Open. Or do you genuinely relish in the carefree world of singlehood and polyamory? If so, establish ground rules.

Rule #5: If, somewhere down the line, you change your mind about the “open option”, SPEAK UP! Tell him as soon as you think it. Your emotions are now officially involved, and you will be hurt the next time he even looks at another girl. He needs to know this before you hate him for doing exactly what you previously agreed was OK. If you want exclusivity, and he doesn’t, at least you found out the easy way, not the hard way. If he doesn’t, and you do, ditch him.

Rule #6: So, you’re on job 4 or 5, getting tired of the co-worker thing, and searching for, dare I say it, a boyfriend. See rule #1. Then put on your classiest dress, head to an expensive bar, and find yourself an investment banker, a medical or law student (or better yet a doctor or a lawyer), or a finance guy. Look him in the eye, show him you are intelligent, exude confidence, and give him your number. Wait for him to call, make him take you to dinner AND pay. Demand respect, invest in him on an intellectual level, and I guarantee he’ll call again and send you flowers. And you deserve it.

Submitted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Regional Lady

Having just traveled back to my former home in the Midwest, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a lady in the Midwest versus what it means to be a lady in the Pacific Northwest. 

In the Midwest, ladies have to put up with cat calls, leering looks, and inappropriate gestures everywhere they go.  These experiences gave me the opportunity to perfect my ability to completely and utterly ignore someone, even if I really want to throw a rock at their head, and to produce a Nasty Death Stare that has been known to shrink testicles and make grown men cry.

In the Pacific Northwest, I almost NEVER encounter this.  Strangers don’t try to get you into their cars, men don’t hang out their window and ask for blow jobs, and they do occasionally make an effort to look at your face.  I don’t have to bust out the Nasty Death Stare very often here.

In the Midwest, ladies frequently run the risk of unwelcome hands from men that they do not know.  In college, I experienced a bad stint with this type of behavior, which ended with me trying to strangle one very surprised young man with his own shirt. 

Again, I almost never encounter this in the Pacific Northwest.  Most men that try to touch me have been given clear signals that they should.  For those that haven’t, it’s almost never offensive (e.g. they put their arm around me versus grabbing my ass).

In the Midwest, ladies can usually expect that men will make a point of holding open doors and offering to carry heavy things.  It’s not that ladies in the Pacific Northwest *can’t* expect this, but I feel like it is more gender neutral here.  Men are polite to both sexes, as are women.  Although I must admit that there have been a few times when I was expecting a helping hand and got none.

Clothing options also differ for ladies by region.  In the Pacific Northwest, a lady will blend in if she wears a t-shirt, a hoodie, a sweater, and a rain coat.  This will get you funny looks in the Midwest.  It’s very cold there.  They just wear one heavy winter jacket.  Leg wear is an issue too.  In the Pac NW, you can get away with wearing dresses in the winter with the help of leggings and boots.  This is not possible in the Midwest without freezing your ass off.  Literally.

Finally, I would say the biggest regional difference for this lady is how I feel.  I feel like I belong in the Pacific Northwest.  I don’t completely fit in anymore in the Midwest.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate all that the Midwest has to offer, including my experiences growing up, but I think I’m happiest being a lady in the land of rain coats and happy hours.

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants