How do you know?

I’ve always wondered how women come to the conclusion that they want to sleep with someone.  I’d like to think there’s a specific process I follow in my own life, but there really isn’t.  I know pretty quickly whether or not I want to sleep with someone and even more quickly when I don’t.  However, I don’t really know why.  It’s just something I *know* in my head.

I guess there are lots of things that make me know I don’t want to sleep with someone, but it’s the things that make me say “yes!” that I have a harder time packaging into something that makes sense.  For me, it definitely has more to do with something the person says or does than how they look.  Although I don’t suppose I can completely discount looks, because I can’t deny that looks have a lot to do with initial attraction.  I don’t think I’d start chatting with someone I found utterly repulsive, but I also know that looks are not usually the cincher for my decision.

If I had to summarize all the qualities that have led to my decisions regarding sex, I’d have to say that the person did or said something that made them very intriguing to me and that indicated they weren’t an asshole. 

Examples of Intriguing Things:

1. Personal writing projects.

2. Drawing me nude.

3. Conducting personal science projects.

4. Unusual intelligence.

5. Not being what I expected.

6. Experienced traveler.

7. Messy hair and gorgeous eyes.

8. Having an open mind when it comes to relationships.

9. Sexual energy/intensity that matches mine.

10. Initiating a conversation about books or science.

11. Interesting or oddly-shaped ears.

Indicative of not being an asshole:

1. Having pictures drawn by your nieces and nephews tacked up on your wall.

2. Having a real conversation with me that does not involve sexual innuendo.

3. Not blatantly staring at any part of my body.

4. Being nice to other people with no cajoling required.

5. Being genuinely concerned for someone else’s feelings.

Thus, it appears that some combination of these things triggers the “attraction reaction” in my brain, which has led to the diverse assortment of men that I’ve shared a bed (or tent) with.    


Post by Dr. Sweatpants

What Women Want

I am a fairly adventurous person.  I generally have the attitude of “let’s-try-this-out-and-see-what-happens”.  That’s a good attitude for dancing and camping and trying new foods.  However, I think I’m at a point in my life where that may not be the best attitude for relationships.  I find myself trying to impose rules or standards on my love life.  Even though I tend to break the rules quite a bit, I’ve decided to lay them out here in hopes of clarifying my own thoughts and maybe getting some feedback from other ladies of the world. 

Unbreakable

1. Respectful of me, my friends, and my family.

2. A little romantic.  Not over-the-top-make-me-puke-in-my-mouth romantic but hand-pick-flowers-and-cook-a-nice-dinner-once-in-a-while romantic. 

3. Does not consider selling drugs a suitable long-term career option.  I’m very liberal.  I think there are many drugs that should not be illegal.  However, in our current society, they are, and you can go to jail for selling them.  I REFUSE to be tied to a guy in jail.  That is trashier than I can even stand to think about.

4. Accepts the fact that I am a science nerd at heart.  There are going to be times when I geek out about puzzles, books, science, and neuroimaging.  I don’t want to be judged for this.

Bendable

1.  Thirty Plus.  I very recently instituted this rule for my love life, but I’m in the process of breaking it as I type this.  I was impressed by a younger man.  What else can I say? ;)

2. Gainfully employed.  I’d prefer someone with a full-time job, but I do realize that some people my age are still in school.  I, myself, was still a student a few months ago, and now I’m only working part-time as a freelancer.

3. Post-graduate degree.  I got really excited about a guy that had a law degree.  However, as a friend of mine so aptly put it, a law degree is not the same as having a job.  Unemployed is unemployed, no matter what kind of degree you have.  I understand that the economy is bad.  I’m suffering from that at the moment as well, but I am still finding ways to bring in some money.  Thus, motivation and *a* job is better than fancy degrees and *no* job/motivation/ambition.

4. Likes to read.  I’m a big reader.  I have fantasies of lying next to a fire with a handsome man, and we’re both wearing snuggies and reading books.  As such, I tend to get really excited about guys that like to read.  Unfortunately, this causes me to break all kinds of rules.

5. Holding off on sex.  I’m trying really hard to adhere to this one.  Having sex early on has bitten me in the ass in the past.  I hate the double standard, but I’m tired of dealing with immature guys that make assumptions and lock themselves into certain opinions of me.  Thus, I’ve established the don’t-be-a-slut rule.  I’ll keep you posted on how this one works out.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  Comments and suggestions welcome!

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Fresh Meat: A Pocket Guide for Young Single Ladies Entering the Workforce

So you’re under 25, just landed a server job, and there are so many cute guys in the kitchen. Working in the food industry has led me to discover that there is a sexual undercurrent that drives social interactions, workplace politics, as well as staff turnover. Usually, a whole new staff will emerge after the old one has had all the fun with each other that they can. The first to go unfortunately is usually the girl whose heart gets broken. She is crushed and embarrassed because she has come to find out that the guy she thought she liked has slept with the girl everyone likes and worse yet, EVERYONE knows. She quickly finds a new job, and leaves quietly. She is then replaced by a new wide eyed girl, and the cycle continues. While I’m sure this sort of thing exists outside of the restaurant industry, I feel that it is concentrated in kitchens since the job descriptions attract very young, adrenaline driven individuals who have no intention of staying in that job for any substantial amount of time. Having observed the same scenario play out over and over, I have decided it’s time for me to speak up. I’m tired of watching young girls be used and abused, and I’m not even going to blame the men. I’m speaking to the ladies, both the heartbreakers and the broken hearted. This is not high school, or even college. This is the real world, and it’s a bit rough around the edges. You are in charge of your sexual and emotional well being. I’ve laid out a few guidelines, entitled “Fresh Meat: A Pocket Guide for Young Single Ladies Entering the Workforce”. Feel free to print out a copy to keep in your pocket at work.

Rule #1: Don’t sleep with your co-workers. If you have successfully followed Rule #1, congratulate yourself, and pass this rule onto your friends. If you have, or are considering violating Rule #1, proceed to Rule #2.

Rule #2: Use a condom. I can’t believe I even have to say this, but it seems I do. It’s 2011, and we know what’s out there, and we know how not to get it. Chances are, you are last in a long line of other co-workers, and who knows who else. If he’s a cook, while charming, he doesn’t have health insurance, he’s probably been exposed to needles (tattoo or otherwise), he abuses alcohol, and perhaps other substances, and is not highly selective of his sexual partners. You don’t want his baby or his gonorrhea.

Rule #3: Regardless if you followed rule #2 or not, get yourself tested, regularly. Test yourself every six months, and especially with every new partner. There are clinics, they are free. Do it.

Rule #4: When considering the “let’s keep this open” option, review Rules 1-3. Then ask yourself why the an open relationship on the table. Is it because you secretly know he’s not “the one”, and you want to keep yourself available for Mr. Right? If so, ditch Mr. Open. Is it because you’re afraid he’ll drop you like a hot sauté pan if you bring up the dreaded exclusive conversation? If so, ditch Mr. Open. Or do you genuinely relish in the carefree world of singlehood and polyamory? If so, establish ground rules.

Rule #5: If, somewhere down the line, you change your mind about the “open option”, SPEAK UP! Tell him as soon as you think it. Your emotions are now officially involved, and you will be hurt the next time he even looks at another girl. He needs to know this before you hate him for doing exactly what you previously agreed was OK. If you want exclusivity, and he doesn’t, at least you found out the easy way, not the hard way. If he doesn’t, and you do, ditch him.

Rule #6: So, you’re on job 4 or 5, getting tired of the co-worker thing, and searching for, dare I say it, a boyfriend. See rule #1. Then put on your classiest dress, head to an expensive bar, and find yourself an investment banker, a medical or law student (or better yet a doctor or a lawyer), or a finance guy. Look him in the eye, show him you are intelligent, exude confidence, and give him your number. Wait for him to call, make him take you to dinner AND pay. Demand respect, invest in him on an intellectual level, and I guarantee he’ll call again and send you flowers. And you deserve it.

Submitted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Regional Lady

Having just traveled back to my former home in the Midwest, I’ve been thinking a lot about what it means to be a lady in the Midwest versus what it means to be a lady in the Pacific Northwest. 

In the Midwest, ladies have to put up with cat calls, leering looks, and inappropriate gestures everywhere they go.  These experiences gave me the opportunity to perfect my ability to completely and utterly ignore someone, even if I really want to throw a rock at their head, and to produce a Nasty Death Stare that has been known to shrink testicles and make grown men cry.

In the Pacific Northwest, I almost NEVER encounter this.  Strangers don’t try to get you into their cars, men don’t hang out their window and ask for blow jobs, and they do occasionally make an effort to look at your face.  I don’t have to bust out the Nasty Death Stare very often here.

In the Midwest, ladies frequently run the risk of unwelcome hands from men that they do not know.  In college, I experienced a bad stint with this type of behavior, which ended with me trying to strangle one very surprised young man with his own shirt. 

Again, I almost never encounter this in the Pacific Northwest.  Most men that try to touch me have been given clear signals that they should.  For those that haven’t, it’s almost never offensive (e.g. they put their arm around me versus grabbing my ass).

In the Midwest, ladies can usually expect that men will make a point of holding open doors and offering to carry heavy things.  It’s not that ladies in the Pacific Northwest *can’t* expect this, but I feel like it is more gender neutral here.  Men are polite to both sexes, as are women.  Although I must admit that there have been a few times when I was expecting a helping hand and got none.

Clothing options also differ for ladies by region.  In the Pacific Northwest, a lady will blend in if she wears a t-shirt, a hoodie, a sweater, and a rain coat.  This will get you funny looks in the Midwest.  It’s very cold there.  They just wear one heavy winter jacket.  Leg wear is an issue too.  In the Pac NW, you can get away with wearing dresses in the winter with the help of leggings and boots.  This is not possible in the Midwest without freezing your ass off.  Literally.

Finally, I would say the biggest regional difference for this lady is how I feel.  I feel like I belong in the Pacific Northwest.  I don’t completely fit in anymore in the Midwest.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate all that the Midwest has to offer, including my experiences growing up, but I think I’m happiest being a lady in the land of rain coats and happy hours.

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Resolving

It’s the beginning of a new year, so it’s an obvious topic, but I’m going to write about my resolutions anyway. Actually, I am going to focus on one resolution in particular, as I feel it applies to many women’s lives.  I tend to put high expectations on myself, and always find a reason to be disappointed in myself, or not accept each moment as “good enough”. I carry a huge weight around with me, a load that usually leaves me feeling utterly defeated at the end of each day. But I only have so many days. I resolve to give myself credit for each day. Instead of measuring each day by what I did not accomplish or check off the list, I will measure it instead by the things I did do, and the things that brought me joy. I wonder about other women that struggle with this issue in their lives. What is it that leaves us perpetually feeling not good enough? Is it society’s expectations? Can we blame the media? Or are women just pre-wired to never be satisfied?

I read an article in a recent Elle publication addressing women’s inability to express the desire for power. The article focused on one interviewer’s experience with interviewing celebrities, politicians and even royalty. She found that the women interviewed tended to defer their success to luck, or other individuals, whereas men were much more ready to give themselves credit for their own accomplishments, and be straightforward about their desires for success, wealth, and celebrity status. Women were also very reticent to discuss the amount of work and dedication they had put into their achievements. I was struck by the fact that even the most powerful, most esteemed women in our society cannot bring themselves to publicly pat themselves on the back. The article’s stance was that women are trained to be modest, taught that women in power are threatening, and that a thirst for success is de-sexualizing. Despite all of the leaps and bounds our gender has made over the last century, we still will not admit that we had anything to do with it. And ultimately, not taking credit for our accomplishments leaves us feeling like we haven’t accomplished anything.

During the 2008 presidential election, I was outraged when Hillary Clinton was labeled a bitch for wearing a red suit, and then chastised for allegedly using tears to appeal to her constituency, when caught wiping her eye. She was trapped in the middle of a paradox, not allowed to wear a power suit, and not allowed to show weakness. It’s no wonder that if someone of Hillary Clinton’s status is affected by such a dilemma, the rest of us walk around feeling pretty bewildered. But really what is stopping us from feeling good enough, and for being proud of what we do and what we want? Is it merely a bit of criticism? I say we get over ourselves and give ourselves more credit.

I propose we all take on a shared resolution. To make it official, please raise your right hand, and repeat this phrase:

I, [state your name], resolve to find joy in each day. I resolve to take credit for my accomplishments, and recognize the good that I contribute to the world each day. I will not shy away from praise from others, and I will praise myself. I will learn from my missteps, but not be defined by them. I will reach for my goals and not apologize when I achieve them. I am woman, hear me roar. 


Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Lady Losing Track of Time

This lady has been spending too much time in her sweatpants.  Between having no full-time job and traveling around the Midwest, I can barely tell you what day it is.  I’ve decided that this isn’t a hat I wear particularly well for long periods of time.

When I first became a freelancer/unemployed, I made an effort to keep normal hours.  After moving to a new apartment and the Thanksgiving holiday, I kinda started to sleep a little later than usual.  After I (finally) started to get job interviews, I decided I should “enjoy” not having to report to an office or a boss, because this would probably be my last opportunity to do so.

Unfortunately, I lapsed into a calendar-less coma pretty quickly. It happened more than once that the weekend was upon me, and I didn’t even notice or care.  This was troublesome to me, because I’ve spent the last 10 years looking forward to the weekend.  It was always my free time to do what I wanted, run errands, see friends, work on personal projects, etc.  How did I not notice or care that it had arrived?

I’m not usually one for New Year’s Resolutions, but since the timing is right, my resolution is to get back on a normal schedule in the New Year.  I’m going to set up an “office” in a coffee shop and make a point of wearing actual pants every day.


Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Good Intentions Gone Awry

I set out with good intentions this weekend.  I wasn’t going to sleep with him.  He was leaving for several weeks starting Monday.  After that, he might be moving across the country.  Nope, I wasn’t going to sleep with him.  We’d only been on two dates.  I didn’t need another one night stand.  If he was leaving, then I was holding out until he got back. 

Or so I thought.

As we were sitting in the bar at last call on Friday night, I was telling myself that I needed to call a cab.  As we were walking back to his house, I was telling myself that I would call a cab and then make out on the couch for a few minutes until my cab came.  As we were making out on the couch, I told myself I would stop in a few minutes and call that cab.  As we were heading upstairs, I was thinking that I was pretty pleased by what I had felt through his jeans.  Suffice to say, the cab company did not get my business that night. 

Fortunately, it wasn’t just a one night stand.  It was a weekend fling.  A very fun and, as it turns out, much-needed fling.  Now, he’s on his way home for the holidays, I’m getting ready to leave in a week, and we’re both left with some steamy memories.

So, what happened to my resolve?  Why did I sleep with him?

Did I do it because I was drunk?  No.  I had a few drinks, but I was completely coherent.  I knew exactly what I was doing, and I remember everything about the evening.

Do I have an uncontrollable sex drive?  Not really.  I think I have pretty impeccable self-control given all the assholes I haven’t punched in the face.

Did I do it for attention?  Not likely.  I don’t need to be the center of attention, and the male attention I already receive is more than enough to satisfy my needs.

Did I do it to help myself move on from my last relationship?  Maybe.  I was trying to be “good” and “do things right”, but the timing wasn’t quite right for either him or me, so maybe we crossed paths for a reason?  Perhaps we were supposed to enjoy each other’s company while it lasted and move on.

Did I do it because I was caught up in the moment?  Probably.  It was passionate and new and exciting, and I had spent enough time with him to know that I liked several things about him.

Did I do it because I simply wanted to?  I think I have to fess up and say yes to this one.  I didn’t follow society’s rules or even the rules I set for myself.  I just felt like it, so I did it, and I don’t regret it.  Self-indulgent?  Maybe.  But I’m ok with that.

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Loving the Body

I've hated my body since puberty reared its ugly head circa 1993. That's almost 18 years of self loathing. My mantra has always been negative. I'm too tall, my boobs too saggy, my stomach has never been flat, my hair is frizzy, my nose too big, and the circles under my eyes grow darker every day. My face is covered in freckles, my feet make shoes look too big. My upper arms and thighs are too jiggly, and my eyebrows disappear in photos. I have horse teeth, and no hips or butt to hold up my pants.

This evening, I took a bath. Normally I overdo it on the bubbles, turn the lights off and submerge myself to my nose. Tonight, being a little short on time, I left the lights on, left the bubbles out and only filled the tub a couple inches. As I stared down at myself (the worst angle to stare at a naked body for sure), I was surprised and gleeful about the fact that I approved of what I saw. Nothing has changed, I've not started a new diet or exercise plan, and wasn't even in a particularly good mood. I was just satisfied, and a little proud. My skin is soft and even, my legs and arms are long. My shape is feminine, and my body is strong.

After suffering a back injury a little over a year ago, I discovered what it was like to not be able to rely on my body. I had always hated how it looked, but had taken for granted the fact that I had always been in possession of a young, healthy, strong body. I relied on it to take me where I wanted to go, stand for long hours, keep me moving, and it had never let me down. When going grocery shopping sparked anxiety, I had to face the fact that I couldn't rely on my body, and didn't know when or if I would be able to trust it again. My focus shifted from hating how I looked to hating how I felt, and to nurturing my body, and praying that I would feel better again. In the midst of all of this, I got married. Unlike other brides, I wasn't physically able to undergo "bridal bootcamp", nor did I have the energy to care about how I looked in my dress, I just wanted to be able to stand at the altar without pain. Thanks to physical therapy, and to my sheer delight, not only was I able to stand and dance at my wedding, but I also felt beautiful in my dress. I braved a bikini for the first time in my life on my honeymoon, and since the wedding, I have tried to avoid negative thoughts when I look in the mirror, and be thankful that my pain has subsided and the worst seems to be behind me. And today, in the bath, I realized that without conscious thought I am finally able to like what I see, and be gratetful for what I have.

I have wasted too much time obsessing over my body, and have spent hardly any time celebrating it. I've reached an age where my body is as good as its going to get, so I better enjoy what I've got while I have it:) And seriously, am I still holding on to feelings I had 18 years ago? I've come a long way since then, and plan to look and feel fabulous from here on out:)

Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Transitions

My love life is in that transitory long-term-relationship-to-freshly-single phase, and it’s caused me to re-discover some of the joys and pitfalls of single life.  Thus, I decided to expand upon a couple of topics from my Single Lady Armor post.

First, one of the joys.  Letting attractive men flirt with you.  This has been a big mindset shift for me in the last few weeks.  When I’m in a relationship and attractive men flirt with me, I (generally) either let them know that I am unavailable or cut the flirting short before it gets inappropriate.  My ex-boyfriend was very jealous, and I am prone to feeling guilty, so I (generally) tried to be extra good about this while I was with him

In the last few weeks, I've caught myself still feeling guilty when men talk to me, and I have to remind myself that it’s ok.  I am allowed to talk to attractive men.  I am allowed to flirt and smile and laugh at their jokes.  I am allowed to lean in close and touch their arm, and I’m allowed to go on dates.  It’s very refreshing.

Second, one of the pitfalls.  Doing your hair and make up when you go out and always smelling good.  I fall victim to letting certain appearance-related activities fall by the wayside when I am in long-term relationships.  My internal monologue runs like this:

“It takes forever to wash and dry my hair. I had better get in the shower soon.”

Check the clock.

“Shit! Is it that late already?”

Calculating how much time I need to get ready versus when I need to be at the bus stop.

“I’m probably not going to see Boyfriend tonight.  I’m not trying to impress anyone else.  Maybe I could get away with not washing and drying my hair?  It doesn’t look too greasy.”

Recalculating how much time I need to get ready.

“I could save even more time if I didn’t get my body all wet in the shower.  I don’t smell that bad.  I didn’t get too sweaty today.  I’ll just pile on the deodorant and perfume.”

Calculating for the third time…

“Perfect!  That leaves me just enough time to get dressed, put my purse together, and stop at the liquor store on the way to the bus!”

Presto.  No shower for Dr. Sweatpants.

Now that I’m single, and it’s possible to run into my Ex (or those attractive men that I mentioned earlier), I feel compelled to bathe more often before leaving the house.  I don’t always act on the compulsion, but I certainly give it more thought than I did a month ago.

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

A Married Lady’s Rant…

I just got married, but that’s the only thing that has changed about me. I’m still the same person I was when I was single. I resent society, the media, and even my friends and family for the misconceptions and assumptions that have made about me…

To my current employer and future employers…

My husband’s knowledge of, approval of, or feelings about my work schedule are none of your business, and it is COMPLETELY inappropriate and SO 50 years ago of you to even bring it up.

To my single ladies…

The “you’re so lucky you’re married” comments are getting old. Hi, remember me? I’m your once ALSO single friend. I know what you are going through, because I also went through it. Let me be there for you. Also, it wouldn’t hurt to ask what I’m going through. There’s more to marriage than regular sex and anniversaries. I didn’t take your opportunity to find love away from you when I got married. Let’s celebrate each other’s lives, instead of breaking each other down.

To mothers, grandmothers, sisters, uncles, and in-laws…

We will have a baby nine months after we conceive. The glass of wine in my hand is also a good indicator.

To the haters…

The rock on my finger is not a man repellent, a leash, a blood diamond, or an antiquated symbol set on keeping women in their “place.” It is however, a good indicator of my husband’s income and his, ahem, other endowments, and it was a gift, for that I am grateful.

To single men…

I love my husband, am very happy, and will not cheat on him. That being said, feel free to flirt with me every now and then. Consider it practice.

To my sisters…

You haven’t lost me. I’m still your sister.

To the media and society at large…

Then, it wasn’t about the ring, the dress, or the centerpieces. Now, it’s not about the china patterns, the house, the lawn, the bank account, my waistline, or his cholesterol. We love each other.

To the other married ladies…

Stop with the competition. Help us newbies out, show us the way. We know about your fancy cars, your homes in the suburbs, and your precious dogs and babies. We want to know about the fights, the debt, the sleepless nights, and the squeaky closet door, or at least that you’re still human.

Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants