He’s Jealous, You’re Frustrated

My experience with jealousy has been at the extremes.  My boyfriends have ranged from zero jealousy to constant suspicion.  My current boyfriend is closer to the constant suspicion end of the spectrum, and we struggle with it as a couple. 

I always try to put myself in the other person’s position when I am having a disagreement.  It doesn’t always work, but I try.  Initially, I am pretty tolerant, but once my patience threshold is reached, it’s hard for me to go back. My patience threshold was exceeded about 10 months ago for this particular issue.  Thus, jealousy has become a hot button issue for me.

On one hand, I understand a partner expecting certain things from their significant other.  For example, no excessive flirting, no cheating, no inappropriate relationships with friends and co-workers.  On the other hand, I think that trust is essential in a healthy relationship, and that each person in a relationship needs to trust the other to police their own behavior when their partner is not present.

In my current relationship, I feel like I can’t do anything- personal or professional- without being questioned about the number of males that will be present.  Not ex-lovers, just anyone with a penis that might be within a 100 foot radius of me.  Because I feel this way, I bristle instantly when such questions arise.  As you can imagine, this causes fights.

I have thought A LOT about my reactions to these situations, and I think it boils down to three things:

1) I highly value my independence.  As such, I have a hard time giving in to jealous demands.  I resist, because I don’t want to be an “obedient” woman.  I am my own person, and I blanch at the thought of being told what to do by anyone, let alone a boyfriend.  When I am questioned about my behavior or social interactions, I feel like I am being treated like a child, and I don’t respond well.

2) I am stubborn.  This one is hard to admit but very, very true.  Sometimes I refuse to do things simply because I have an inexplicable urge to be contrary.  When something is moderately important to me, and I am struck by a bout of stubbornness, I refuse to budge an inch.  It’s not one of my finer qualities.

3) I am practical and logical.  I try to blame this one on my scientific training, but it was there before I started graduate school.  I tend to break issues down into smaller pieces and make equations out of them.  For example:

You say you trust me + I am not a liar = Don’t question me about everything I do.

Seems simple enough to me, but others rarely see it that way.

So, what do I do?  I try to be patient, I try not to yell, and I remind myself that I love my boyfriend. 

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Dear Media,

I’m writing to inform you that I take offense to your ever-present bombardment of messages aimed at ladies like me on a daily basis. It seems as if your intentions are to make me feel as if there is something inherently wrong with me. I thought that you might like to reconsider some of the misconceptions you currently hold about me most ladies I know…

For example, my belly has fat on it because it is a BELLY, and that is where the food goes and where the babies live. It is supposed to be warm and soft. I’d like to keep it that way.

I have feet to keep me upright and to walk on. No amount of squishy gel or padding is going to convince me that high heels are an intelligent vessel in which to house my feet.

Telling me to bake cake with diet soda instead of eggs, drink protein shakes for lunch, eat “cheesecake flavored” yogurt, and only drink 4oz of wine a month is insane. French women eat real food and drink all the time and they look fabulous. Probably because you aren’t there telling them they are fat and ugly all the time.

The lines on my face tell the story of my life. Every smile and laugh has left its imprint around my eyes and mouth. I can only hope that these lines get deeper with every future laugh and smile. Botox cannot have my lines.

If his balls can sag, so can my breasts.

Stop writing articles about how celebrity moms “get their bodies back.” If I had millions of dollars, 5 nannies, 10 personal trainers, a stylist, a publicist, and a hair and makeup team, I’d look fabulous, too.

I love carbs, please don’t make me give them up.

Stop telling me about his “turn offs” and “secret fantasies.” I also don’t like taking quizzes to determine if I’m “too needy.” Why not tell me that I am a strong, powerful, intelligent, and beautiful woman fully deserving of love?

And finally, please stay away from my future daughters.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Sweatpants