My experience with jealousy has been at the extremes. My boyfriends have ranged from zero jealousy to constant suspicion. My current boyfriend is closer to the constant suspicion end of the spectrum, and we struggle with it as a couple.
I always try to put myself in the other person’s position when I am having a disagreement. It doesn’t always work, but I try. Initially, I am pretty tolerant, but once my patience threshold is reached, it’s hard for me to go back. My patience threshold was exceeded about 10 months ago for this particular issue. Thus, jealousy has become a hot button issue for me.
On one hand, I understand a partner expecting certain things from their significant other. For example, no excessive flirting, no cheating, no inappropriate relationships with friends and co-workers. On the other hand, I think that trust is essential in a healthy relationship, and that each person in a relationship needs to trust the other to police their own behavior when their partner is not present.
In my current relationship, I feel like I can’t do anything- personal or professional- without being questioned about the number of males that will be present. Not ex-lovers, just anyone with a penis that might be within a 100 foot radius of me. Because I feel this way, I bristle instantly when such questions arise. As you can imagine, this causes fights.
I have thought A LOT about my reactions to these situations, and I think it boils down to three things:
1) I highly value my independence. As such, I have a hard time giving in to jealous demands. I resist, because I don’t want to be an “obedient” woman. I am my own person, and I blanch at the thought of being told what to do by anyone, let alone a boyfriend. When I am questioned about my behavior or social interactions, I feel like I am being treated like a child, and I don’t respond well.
2) I am stubborn. This one is hard to admit but very, very true. Sometimes I refuse to do things simply because I have an inexplicable urge to be contrary. When something is moderately important to me, and I am struck by a bout of stubbornness, I refuse to budge an inch. It’s not one of my finer qualities.
3) I am practical and logical. I try to blame this one on my scientific training, but it was there before I started graduate school. I tend to break issues down into smaller pieces and make equations out of them. For example:
You say you trust me + I am not a liar = Don’t question me about everything I do.
Seems simple enough to me, but others rarely see it that way.
So, what do I do? I try to be patient, I try not to yell, and I remind myself that I love my boyfriend.
Posted by Dr. Sweatpants
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