Single Lady Armor

Every woman that’s been single in her post-college life knows what I’m talking about.  It’s the actions you perform, the sentiments you express, and what you do to your appearance when you are a single women out in the world.  I have composed a top 10 list.  Aside from #1, they are in no particular order:

1. Appreciating your girlfriends and spending time with them.  These are the wonderful people that stick around after a break up.

2. Staying busy.  Most single ladies have a hobby or two to keep themselves busy on weeknights when they don’t feel like drinking or can’t afford to eat out or simply want some alone time. For example, I hoop dance, play trivia, and write. 

3. Having plans on Friday & Saturday night.  Single ladies are usually very good at “putting themselves out there”.

4. Doing your hair & make up when you go out.  If you are on the market for a new date/boyfriend/special friend, it never hurts to look nice.  Additionally, if you happen to run into an ex, it is EXTRAORDINARILY satisfying when you look fabulous, and all they can do is stare. And drool.  And regret their poor decisions.

5. Always smell good.  You can have a nice shirt and a hot pair of jeans, but if you smell like the guy sleeping on your porch, #4 doesn’t really matter.

6. Letting attractive men flirt with you.  When you are in a monogamous relationship, you are expected to make that known, which usually ends conversations with random attractive men.  Single ladies remember to let the cute ones get in a few flirts before sending them on their way ;)

7. Having a roommate.  I preferred to live alone for a long time, because I was a perpetually stressed out graduate student who couldn’t handle the thought of another person in my living space.  That said, most single ladies prefer to have company, and I prefer it too now that I am done with graduate school. 

8. Not obsessively checking your phone, if you are not expecting to hear from someone.  If I’m out, I’m having a good time.  I don’t want to be a slave to my phone.  Single ladies report to no one. 

9. Defending single women everywhere.  I take the liberty of being appalled when people insult single ladies.  For example, when someone thinks it’s funny that their grandma harassed their lone single friend about “finding a man” and “settling down” while that fabulous friend was at their wedding. 

10. Oozing confidence in your choice not to settle.  Some ladies find love when their young, some when their older.  The important thing is that you do, in fact, love the person you choose to be with.  Celebrate good decisions!

***As a caveat, I should say that single ladies are not the only ladies that partake in these behaviors, but they do make for nice armor.***

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Instant Replay

During a particularly emotional evening, I found myself face to face with the realization that I have a pattern.  For the third time in my life, I found myself being offered everything I had been asking for in a relationship AFTER reaching my breaking point.  By then, of course, I didn’t want it anymore.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  It’s not that I didn’t want it anymore but that it felt very anti-climactic. 

In 2006, I asked my long-distance boyfriend to look for a job in the city I lived in after he finished his Masters degree.  I was in a Ph.D. program, so I had 4+ more years before I could move.  He skirted the issue for months and then accepted a job hundreds of miles from where I lived without talking to me about it. 

Two years later, I finally worked up the courage to end the relationship.  That’s when he told me he had just made an appointment to talk to his boss about transferring, so he could be closer to me.  I think I was supposed to be overjoyed.  Instead I was surprised and rather unexcited by the prospect.

Fast forward to June 2010.  I am finishing my dissertation.  New boyfriend, same shit.  This time, the boyfriend was treating our relationship terribly- blowing off plans, being unsupportive of my dissertation situation, asking to sleep with other women.  I finally worked up the courage to end the relationship.  Two weeks later, I was bombarded with text messages, phone calls, emails, flowers, poetry all expressing the same sentiment: “I made a mistake, I love you, let’s try again”.  How do you say no to someone you love offering you everything you want?

Unfortunately, it was too soon.  I knew that I needed more time, but I forged ahead anyhow.  We fought almost daily our first month back together.  Very old issues were rearing their ugly heads (e.g. jealousy).  I was already cautious and weary, and this did not help.  I was left with a very unsettled, very anti-climactic feeling. 

Right when things were reaching their boiling point inside my head, my boyfriend decided, once again, to offer me everything I wanted (e.g. to work on his jealousy issues).  I think I was supposed to be ecstatic.  Instead I was exhausted.  Now we are broken up. 

I realize that part of this pattern is my fault.  I let bad behavior go on too long without doing anything drastic.  I don’t demand certain things from the beginning and end up frustrated later on.  I need to be more realistic about what I require and more honest with myself about my feelings.  I know that I require someone to be supportive ALL of the time or else I won’t trust them.  I know that when someone hurts me badly, it’s hard for me to trust them or put faith in our relationship again.  I know that without trust and a common vision, a relationship won’t work in the long run.   

Here’s to hoping that I have finally learned my lesson.  Third time’s a charm, right?

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Heartbroken

Is it weird that I liked it better when I was the heartbroken one?  I’ve been through break ups before.  They suck, but I know what to do.  I have my coping mechanisms, my single lady armor, my girlfriends.  My now ex-boyfriend has never experienced a breakup of this magnitude, and he is devastated.

It makes me cry to see him so hurt, but what else can I do?  I am emotionally exhausted.  I have nothing left to give.  I know that this is the right decision, but I feel terrible about inflicting so much heartbreak on someone I care about.

But perhaps wanting to be the heartbroken one is really wanting to take the easy way out?  As much as it sucks to hurt and wonder what went wrong, it sucks even more to know exactly what went wrong and have to explain it to a person that wants nothing more than to live happily ever after with you. 

When it comes down to it, I guess I don’t want to be in either position.  They both suck.  A lot.


Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

Present in the Present

I worry a lot about the future because I have always had very high expectations for it. I put things off because I want the future manifest itself exactly as I have planned. I live under the delusion that I can somehow control or stop time, which often leaves me feeling stagnant and consumed by fear and dread.

With the New Year approaching, I have decided to try and change my attitude. Not only will I try to live more for the present, but I will look forward to the future, as opposed to fearing disappointment or failure. My husband recently brought all of this into perspective for me over a conversation regarding our future as it relates to children, a house, my career, etc. My thoughts kept coming out in the “if this, then that” vein. He brought to my attention that if I’m always waiting for one element to fall into place before doing anything else, I will always stand still. What if that one detail never happens? Does that mean I have to give up everything else I want? I am trying to shift my perspective to see each day as a series of opportunities. Instead of planning ahead, I will try to take advantage of moments and opportunities as they present themselves. No more worrying about what will happen tomorrow.

To begin to put this into practice, today I am going to call a local chef that I recently had the opportunity of meeting, and ask him to let me spend a day in his kitchen as a trail (a common culinary practice). I’m not even going to think past the phone call…


Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Choices

I can do anything. My choices are endless. I can vote, fight, work, travel, be educated, own property, wear pants, get divorced, prevent pregnancy, and have children without a man. Thanks to Mom, Grandma, great-Grandma, and great-great-Grandma I am free to live a life of my choosing, and it scares me to death. My whole life I have taken my freedoms as a right, and always did whatever I wanted. But now, at 28, I have no idea how to get what I want, and find myself wondering what it would be like to live in a time when life came with a rule book. At least I would know what I was supposed to do with my time.

I’m working 37 hours a week at a brainless job for an hourly wage. My schedule is determined week by week, and my superiors are about 50 years behind on women’s lib. I know that this is not what I want, but I’m stunted by my other prospects. Should I submit my resume a million times over just to end up in an identical job somewhere else? Have I spent my whole life doing whatever I please just to end up a slave to the hourly wage for the rest of my life?

I find myself waiting for that dream opportunity to present itself, or for all the pieces to fall seamlessly into place that lead me toward a successful and fulfilling career. Then, when the time is right, and that time will be obvious, I will decide to have children, have no trouble getting pregnant, and have the perfect family. All the while, my job will be waiting for me, or be the kind of job that I can do during nap time, so that I am able to raise my children exactly the way I want to. Everyone will wonder just how I do it, while staying so together and so grounded. And my teeth will stay white and my breasts will never sag.

While great-Grandma was busy voting, and Grandma busy taking the pill, and while Mom was busy picking out her “power suits”, and all of them telling me how lucky I was to be able to do whatever I wanted, someone forgot to tell me just how to go about it. I’m learning that wanting things isn’t the same as getting them.

Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

When is it time to take a break?

If ever there was a loaded question, this one is it.  How do you decide?  More importantly, how do you decide without devastating someone you love?  Or yourself?

When emotions are running high and you feel like you’ve reached your breaking point, it seems impossible that your relationship will ever work out in the long run.  When things have cooled off and you’re laughing in bed together, you think “How can I give this up?” 

Furthermore, it’s hard to reconcile what makes sense when you’re talking to your friends with how you feel when you’re with the person you love.  When you think about it rationally, everything is a mess.  There are too many issues to sort out, and change is hard to maintain.  The best thing is to take a break and see how you feel about each other in a few weeks.  But then…

Then, you’re making breakfast together and laughing about that time he dumped a giant pan of chick peas and corn all over the kitchen floor.  Can you ever use that pan and not think about him?

What’s worse is when you’re not on the same page about needing a break.  When you feel it would be good for both of you, but he can’t imagine his life without you.  But when you sit and think about it, do you really want him out of your life?

And what about all the compromises and promises?  Do you throw away all the effort you put into those compromises?  Do you turn your back on someone that’s promising to change?  Do you walk away from something that has the potential to be great?

Speaking of great things, what about the qualities you love about your partner?  His sweetness, his kindness, his humor, his passion for you, his beautiful eyes.  Can those things overcome all the other things that don’t work?  The trust issues, the jealousy, the life style differences.

At some point, you have to think that it’s just you.  You made too many mistakes.  You’re too careful with your emotions.  You think too much.  You put up with too much crap before getting angry.  You’re asking another person to change too much.  You see situations for what they can be but not for what they are.  You have no faith.

That last one is the hardest to admit.  What do you do when you want your relationship to work, you truly want both parties to be happy, but you still have nagging doubts in the back of your mind?  There are a lot of things I question, but one thing I am certain of is that both people need to be 100% committed to make a relationship work and to make both people in that relationship happy.   

So what’s the decision?  When do you take a break?  I still don’t know.  But I think I’m done asking questions.

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants

The Other Girl Code

I have two girl friends that have been in tumultuous relationships for several years. Section 2.1c of the Girl Code forbids me from telling them what I really think of the douche bags their dating. I’m also forbidden to tell them that they might be partly to blame for the dysfunction in their relationships. This is because of Section 1.6e of The Girl Code that states that “all men are douche bags and everything is their fault”. The Guy Code is a bit different. A guy can say, “Dude, she’s a bitch.” To which his friend will respond, “I know. I’m still going to sleep with her anyway.” Then they high five and continue with their basketball game, never speaking of said bitch again until, perhaps, the bachelor party. The Girl Code was written under the pretense that women are emotional psychopaths. If our friends tell us the truth, we feel judged, and are hurt. As friends, we fear the hurt will turn to anger, and that she and the douche bag will barricade themselves inside their dysfunctional relationship without us being able keeping a watchful eye on things, meanwhile judging us the whole time. We put lipstick on over gritted smiles, so that the world will not judge us for our pain and mistakes. We rely on our girl friends to protect that pain, and to tell us that we are still OK. If they acknowledge we’ve made a mistake, we’re exposed, and the expectation to DO something about it becomes the elephant in the room. We don’t respond well to criticism.

Recently, I broke the Girl Code with both of my friends. I told them both what I really think of the guys they are with. I also told them what I really think of their behavior within their relationships. This breaks another Girl Code rule which requires us to only give each other compliments and adoration. The dress looks amazing on you! Of course that number doesn’t make you a slut.  I looked them both straight in the eye and told them the truth. I think we were all a little stunned, but once I got it over with, I couldn’t stop. I spilled everything I had been holding back for so long. And then I told them that they deserve to be happy, and that they deserve to be loved. I told them that what they have is not love. Love doesn’t mean an absence of pain or conflict, but it does mean respect, honesty and loyalty.

I encourage other women to break the Girl Code. In fact, let’s write a new one, because true friendship goes beyond being polite. If you have a friend in need, lend her your shoulder to cry on, and then tell her the truth. Encourage her to find the strength to see through the fog. Help her find the self worth that makes her feel like a million bucks.

If your friend breaks the Code for you, don’t take offense, take it as a sign that she really values you and your friendship. 


Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

Partnering Up

What does it mean to be a partner? My husband of six months and I have been discussing this idea recently. Both of us are fiercely independent, ridiculously stubborn, and strongly opinionated individuals, and there are times when those qualities can make us feel miles apart from one another. At home, it’s almost too easy for us to pursue our own separate interests. I can consume myself with a project in the kitchen while he is engrossed in “the game” on TV.  Out with friends, if someone expresses a view on a subject, we can find ourselves on opposite sides of the same issue. Sometimes this leads to arguments when we get home, usually him not feeling “backed up” by me.

Since becoming a partner, I have had to come to terms with the independent and stubborn side of myself. She doesn’t want others to see my husband and me as one person. My fear of losing me drives the need to let others know when I disagree with something my husband says. This can leave him feeling hurt and alone. I am trying to appreciate my husband and his opinions for what they are, and not always let everyone know that I am not him. I can stand on my own two feet and be his wife at the same time.  This takes some skill and tact that I hope I will master over time. I can’t think of any couples that I know who are exactly like one another. When I became a wife, my life became partnered with his. I need to remind myself to recognize that it is our differences that draw us together and keep life interesting. I also need to remind myself that having a partner adds fullness to my life. It does not take away from who I am.

Posted by Mrs. Sweatpants

I’ve been Vegas’ed

A few things about me:

1. I avoid heels at all costs.  They hurt my feet and my back, and I don’t like drawing attention to my legs.

2. I don’t eat meat from McDonald's. Ever.  I gave it up when I was 14 because of the fat content.  I maintained my resistance in college, because I thought most meat was gross at that time.  I continue to avoid it at present, because tactics used by corporations like McDonald's have ripple effects that lead to abuse of workers, farmers, and animals.

Then why did I happily do both of these things in Las Vegas, Nevada a few weekends ago?  Not once, but THREE times.  I’ve always prided myself on sticking to my principles, so it fascinates me when I choose to abandon them.  Did I really have no alternative, like I told myself all weekend, or did I just want to be bad? 

When I weigh the evidence now, I think I just wanted to be bad.  I had flats that would have matched the dresses I wore, but I chose the heels.  If I had been willing to walk or cab a few minutes out of my way, I could have gotten food outside of my hotel and not been “stuck” with McDonald's. 

I used to think that being bad meant doing so within the confines of my belief system (e.g. gorging on fries from a Mom-N-Pop diner or buying expensive but comfortable shoes).  But maybe a lady needs to step outside herself once in a while and try something new?  Live within a different set of rules to see if she’s really happy with what she has chosen? 

This lady learned that while the heels and miniskirts were fun for a weekend, I much prefer my walking sandals.  On the other hand, I think it’s time for me to publicly admit that I love a juicy burger (but I’d rather not buy it at McDonald's).

So, Ladies, I recommend stepping outside your comfort zone once in a while.  You’d be surprised at what you learn about yourself (or what you have always known but were afraid to admit).

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants