Instant Replay

During a particularly emotional evening, I found myself face to face with the realization that I have a pattern.  For the third time in my life, I found myself being offered everything I had been asking for in a relationship AFTER reaching my breaking point.  By then, of course, I didn’t want it anymore.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  It’s not that I didn’t want it anymore but that it felt very anti-climactic. 

In 2006, I asked my long-distance boyfriend to look for a job in the city I lived in after he finished his Masters degree.  I was in a Ph.D. program, so I had 4+ more years before I could move.  He skirted the issue for months and then accepted a job hundreds of miles from where I lived without talking to me about it. 

Two years later, I finally worked up the courage to end the relationship.  That’s when he told me he had just made an appointment to talk to his boss about transferring, so he could be closer to me.  I think I was supposed to be overjoyed.  Instead I was surprised and rather unexcited by the prospect.

Fast forward to June 2010.  I am finishing my dissertation.  New boyfriend, same shit.  This time, the boyfriend was treating our relationship terribly- blowing off plans, being unsupportive of my dissertation situation, asking to sleep with other women.  I finally worked up the courage to end the relationship.  Two weeks later, I was bombarded with text messages, phone calls, emails, flowers, poetry all expressing the same sentiment: “I made a mistake, I love you, let’s try again”.  How do you say no to someone you love offering you everything you want?

Unfortunately, it was too soon.  I knew that I needed more time, but I forged ahead anyhow.  We fought almost daily our first month back together.  Very old issues were rearing their ugly heads (e.g. jealousy).  I was already cautious and weary, and this did not help.  I was left with a very unsettled, very anti-climactic feeling. 

Right when things were reaching their boiling point inside my head, my boyfriend decided, once again, to offer me everything I wanted (e.g. to work on his jealousy issues).  I think I was supposed to be ecstatic.  Instead I was exhausted.  Now we are broken up. 

I realize that part of this pattern is my fault.  I let bad behavior go on too long without doing anything drastic.  I don’t demand certain things from the beginning and end up frustrated later on.  I need to be more realistic about what I require and more honest with myself about my feelings.  I know that I require someone to be supportive ALL of the time or else I won’t trust them.  I know that when someone hurts me badly, it’s hard for me to trust them or put faith in our relationship again.  I know that without trust and a common vision, a relationship won’t work in the long run.   

Here’s to hoping that I have finally learned my lesson.  Third time’s a charm, right?

Posted by Dr. Sweatpants